


hours at a time

by nebuloves



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Gen, Non-Canonical Character Death, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:35:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25420987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nebuloves/pseuds/nebuloves
Summary: After Evan leaves Jared in the dust, he decides to follow in Connor's footsteps.
Relationships: Evan Hansen & Jared Kleinman
Comments: 11
Kudos: 17





	hours at a time

Jared fucked up.

It was only supposed to be a one time thing. All he wanted to do was impress Evan, and yeah, he could admit that lying to a grieving family about their dead son wasn’t the _best_ way to go about it, but he didn’t think that it would go this far. No one did.

He thought that this would pass, that after a few days, the Murphys would just forget about Evan and all of this would be over with, but no. Now Evan was at the top of the school’s food chain and he left poor, poor Jared Kleinman at the bottom.

He should’ve expected this, he really should’ve. He didn’t have Alana’s persuasiveness, Zoe’s charisma, or Evan’s newfound confidence. They were everything that made the Connor Project as successful as it was, what moved so many people into paying attention to them, into helping them rebuild the orchard. They were everything that made so many people, adults and teens alike, feel for Connor, what made them see their son or their brother or their friend in the eyes of a complete stranger. They were what made the Connor Project the Connor Project.

But not Jared. Jared was just...there. He was just there to count money, and that was it. He didn’t shine like Evan, Alana, or Zoe did, he just blended into the background, never to be seen again. So, naturally, he had to be left behind. Sure, he helped Evan write the emails, and without the emails, none of this would’ve happened, but now there was no need for any more emails, so there was no need for any more Jared. 

It was simple, really. 

He thinks that maybe if he told Evan to tell the truth, if he said no and didn’t help him write the emails, then maybe he wouldn’t have gotten ditched, but who was he kidding? Jared was always supposed to get ditched, it just happened sooner than he thought it would. Evan didn’t show it, but he could be a force to be reckoned with. He was always moving, always running towards the finish line, and Jared just couldn’t keep up. It was only natural that he’d be left in the dust.

Jared used to say that the reason he and Evan don’t get along anymore is because they were just too different, but the truth was, they were just too similar. The only difference was that Jared gave up where Evan didn’t. They used to be equally as great, acing all of their classes together, being the type of kids their parents could brag about to other parents, but one day, it became too much. After years of being pushed to the limit and told that he “just wasn’t trying hard enough”, Jared quit. But Evan didn’t. He never did. He cared too much about what Jared stopped giving a damn about four years ago, and that's why they couldn’t stand each other anymore.

Everyday he woke up and went back to school, he hoped that it was just a dream, that the Connor Project never happened and everything would be back to normal, but that was never the case. What started out as a poor attempt at impressing Evan became all that anyone at school talked about. They were obsessed with the Connor Project, obsessed with the lie he and Evan came up with, and it made him feel sick. He prayed that, one day, they would just forget about it, that for once, the kids at school would let something like this go, but alas. No such luck.

As long as the Connor Project was still standing, nobody would stop talking about Connor. People like Evan would lie about him and people like the Murphys would believe every word, even if it didn’t add up. It was a cycle Jared wanted to break out of, but he was trapped inside with no way of escaping. He tried to make the best of it, tried to see the positives of being part of a lie as huge as this, but he knew deep down that the only people it really benefited was Evan. He had everyone wrapped around his finger, and they didn’t even realize. No one could stop him. Not Alana, not Zoe, not even himself. The only way for people to stop talking about Connor’s suicide was if another student decided to follow in his footsteps.

And that was exactly what Jared was going to do.

Maybe it was a stupid idea, maybe his death would be considered nothing compared to the rich white boy Evan lied about being friends with, but he didn’t care. Jared’s made enough mistakes this year, and if this is one of them, then so be it. He couldn’t care less as long as he was leaving an impact on the Connor Project, no matter how small that impact was. He wanted Evan to see how something he created with the intention of saving people’s lives could lead to the death of one of his friends.

Er, one of his family friends.

Whatever.

He decided to end it the same way Connor did: Overdosing. It was a regular attempt, nothing special about it, nothing unique. He couldn’t open the bottle, not at first, but then he realized that he could just slam it on the counter. And so he does. The lid pops off, sending small white pills scattering across the marble surface. He shoves as many as his hands could hold into his mouth and washes it down with water. He wanted to be quick with this so no one could stop him, so no one could get in the way of his plan. And it looks like he succeeded.

He’s slumped on the floor. Waiting. Eyes closed. Shallow breathing.

The door bursts open and he can faintly hear his mom screaming at him, begging him to wake up, as if he had any choice on the matter. He feels so guilty, oh so guilty as he feels his mom’s body over him as she sobs and sobs and sobs at the thought of losing her son, her baby. He wants to reach out and hug her, to tell her that he’s okay and everything’s going to be okay and they’re going to be just fine. But he can’t. He’s stuck.

He thinks about his mom before he blacks out completely. He thinks that maybe he could’ve stayed just a bit longer, that maybe he could’ve lived for her sake, for his family’s sake. Maybe he could’ve exposed the Connor Project for what it was, maybe he and Evan could’ve made up and things would be okay again, maybe he could’ve grown to be a better person, a good person, someone who was worth it. Worth what? Who knows.

But right now, it was too late to think about the what-ifs and should-Is. It was already over, and there was nothing Jared could do about it. He did what he did four years ago and gave up. Once and for all, he was giving up.

_Forever._


End file.
